Nothing says sadness like the memory or "The Pit of Despair" in a whispery raspy voice (from The Princess Bride). A very slight possibility of a baby slipped away. I probably shouldn't write for every failed attempt but this one felt a little different. I've slowly felt myself losing hope of creating our family through self promotion. I've never been very good at it. It makes me feel like a politician or a phony. We can never really give a full picture of who we really are on a few lines here and there. I've had ambitions of creating a youtube movie about us but our computer and the technology in general make me feel a little frustrated. It's hard enough to prove, according to government/agency standards (through background checks, references, mountains of paperwork, required training) that we can be good parents. We need to be the superstars everyone wants to place their child with. Well, I hate to confess this but despite all the attempts at putting on our best self trying to wine, dine and court every possible birth family out there, we're not superstars. Perhaps with every failed attempt we feel even less super. There are times it's just too hard on my ego.
So having said that, we haven't lost all hope of building our family. But we're now leaning more towards the foster-to-adopt route. I must say, I do feel pretty awesome filling out the paper work. They ask questions like how many marriages/significant relationships have we had, do you or anyone in your family have a history of domestic violence, abuse, mental health, etc. It feels great to say I've only had one marriage (and it was the only significant relationship we ever had). There is no abuse, violence, mental health issues. I'm back to feeling like a superstar and yet I'm not being a phony.
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